Don’t “Should” on Yourself
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How often do you find yourself starting sentences with the words, “I should” or “I shouldn’t”? This is an example of a cognitive distortion, a phenomenon that every individual experiences, and can often hold us back from truly understanding ourselves.
Think back to a time when something happened and you became instantly frustrated, irritated, or upset. When the triggering event happened, did you realize what was happening in the moment? How did you react? What was the consequence of that reaction? Maybe your partner asked a question like “did you finish the dishes?” and you took that as “how come you didn’t finish the dishes yet? Are you not managing your time well? Are you an incapable person?” So you responded with some harsh words.
Many times when we are triggered, we instantly react and sometimes regret it later. In the moment, our emotions are so strong that we can’t see the situation from any other perspective. This A –>C jump is called a cognitive distortion.
Activating experience –> emotional Consequence
Although it may not feel like it in the moment, there is a step in the middle that happens so quickly we are often unaware that it is there: our Beliefs. Once things calm down, or time passes, we may realize that there is another side to the story. The activating experience triggered a Belief that we have about the world/our situation which lead to the emotional consequence.
Activating experience –> Belief –> emotional Consequence
If we are able to slow down the A–>C process enough for us to take a look at the belief that is being triggered, we can then examine if that belief is valid, and decide on how we want to respond (if at all). This “belief” is also known as a mental model. These mental models are so subtle and deeply ingrained in us that we are often unaware they exist. So what can we do to change our mental models?
It is possible to slow the A —> C process down, but it takes practice. It often involves intentional reflection on what the belief “B” is, why you have that belief, and whether or not this belief is actually true. Yes – we do subconsciously hold onto beliefs that are not true, for example, “If I want something done right, I need to do it myself.” A sign that we might be operating in the mental model realm is all-or-nothing thinking.
But it is sometimes hard to see these beliefs on our own. They are so ingrained that they not only sound true to our heads, but it feels true to our hearts and bodies! Our brains and bodies can react in a threatened way when we try to question these beliefs, producing physical and emotional distress. This makes it even more difficult to do this on our own.
A coach can be a good partner in identifying the unhelpful beliefs that often rule us, can help you overcome the limiting beliefs, and create tangible action steps to change the beliefs or the patterns of behavior. Coaches help clients with: Recognizing beliefs, Grasping how much unexamined beliefs affect decision making and behavior, Learning how to slow down and reflect on beliefs, and Learning how to have conversations that encourage an open discussion of beliefs and assumptions.
